So, this is about one type of verbal/emotional abuse that I remembered today so I just wanted to write short thing about it.
I used to have long conversations with my mum–hours long–where I would cry and tell her that different things she did hurt me and ask her if she could try to change. She would always really seem to be listening and to care and to want to change. At the end I’d feel really close to her. So, even though it took a lot of fighting for me to get her to listen to me (she’d always tell me to go away, etc.), it was one of my favorite times with her. Otherwise she was pretty distant. So, these meant a huge amount to me.
One night in the kitchen, my sister were washing up dishes and I asked her if Mum had ever done anything to her that seemed abusive. She couldn’t really think of anything but then she told me that after Mum and I had those talks, she would go to Morgan (my sister)’s room and apologize for how embarrassing I am and laugh at me.
I felt so betrayed after that and I couldn’t look at her for a few days (it’s just this thing I have where when I really don’t trust her I physically cannot will myself to face her). Of course that ended in her freaking out and threatening to stop taking me to the doctor.
I wanted to share that so that if that has ever happened to you, you can (1) be validated that it IS abuse (just a weird sort that doesn’t seem like it) and (2) realize that you’re not alone. I also wanted to say that even though it in no means justifies the actions, it really doesn’t have anything to do with you. In my case my mum was trying to score points with my sister by being a gossipy friend and just happened to pick me as the subject. No matter the specific reason, a parent who does that to you is just extremely desperate for attention. It IS NOT okay, but at least you can know that what they’re saying isn’t based in reality, just neediness.
Also, I wanted to tell this story to support people who need to give up trying with a parent. Adults are always telling you to just talk it out, tell him/her how you feel but sometimes that does more harm than good. I’m all for trying to mend a problematic relationship but if it’s not going anywhere and is causing you pain, it’s fine to give up. This doesn’t mean you can never have a relationship, but it means it’s time for you to stop putting in all the effort. Don’t exhaust yourself on something that isn’t working. If that person is worth having a relationship with, they’ll realize their mistakes and try with you.
Please comment if you have a story you want to share. And please send this to anyone you know who is struggling at home. I really want this blog to get to people who feel alone because I had a lot of trouble finding information on dealing with child abuse when I still lived at home.