Almost 6 Months Away

It’s been nearly 6 months seen I have seen or spoken to my mother. I haven’t missed her at any point. This hasn’t surprized me because during the last year I lived with her she was gone every weekend and I looked forward to that all week.
I barely even dream about her. It’s been more frequent lately than when I first left. Last night I dreampt she tried to make me take 5 ecstasy tablets and I have other dreams about her being mean.
But I’ve started to feel like “what if I’ve made a big mistake.” My dad had even more abusive parents than my mum and he still is in pretty close contact with them. And the only person I know who cut out their abusive parents is my mother, and I don’t want to follow her example. So it feels really unnatural to be abandoning my parent even if she was abusive.
I’ve also successfully gotten her removed from every aspect of my life. The only area she still had power in was paying for my college but I’ve gotten her removed so she will not pay anything or even have a right to know where I am attending. If you’re interested in how an absuive and/or estranged parent can be removed from your college, I’m going to write a separate post. Basically though you write an email to the school about your situation and ask to have your noncustodial parent “waived” and they will send you a form which you fill out with the details. You also need at least 1 letter from a professional outside your family who knows your situation (like a teacher or counselor or religious leader or whatever). Then they review it and get back to you.
Even though I was really happy to have gotten her waived, I am starting to feel really weird about the whole thing. I think it’s mostly because I haven’t been around her in a while so what she has done is sort of faded.
I has in a store today that was playing the radio over its intercom and there was an ad for a child protective agency that described a girl being raped on Christmas and a boy being beaten and left in the cold. That stuff never actually happened to me and it never felt so clean cut “this is wrong” because my mother is a person not a caricature abuser.
But I don’t think I should feel bad about getting her removed from my life. She was abusive. She didn’t even feed us the week before we left. I had to buy groceries. She yelled at my until I cried and continued even if I was begging her to stop. She blamed me for her being unemployed and said I was the reason things were hard at home. Obviously I am trying to prove it to myself right now but I’m not feeling persuaded. I guess I just have to trust myself for now and remember that all the people aware of what was going on supported me moving out and breaking contact. And the fact that I was able to get her removed means that she had to be pretty awful because it was a lot of work to get her waived by my college.
And anyway, nothing is forever. If one day I wake up and think “I really miss Mum and want to see her again,” I can do that.
And I think part of why it’s been hard lately is it has been the holidays (Thanksgiving, her birthday, almost Christmas). I really do want a mom. My dad’s partner is really awesome and I feel very happy and loved when I get to be around her.
Anyway, this post was sort of just to show where I am 6 months after moving out. Don’t be concerned if you’re really confused after leaving an abusive home, because it is complicated (especially because of societal constructs that say everyone should have close relationships with a mother and a father but particularly the mother).


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