Anger

I still feel really angry at my mum a lot of the time. It’s been about 7 months and I still can be overtaken by rage about what she did. A lot of it comes from remembering what she did and then being furious that she felt she had a right to be so awful to me.
Yesterday I was watching Malcolm in the Middle and I remembered the scene where Lois apologizes to Francis for being a bad mother and he feels so unsatisfied when it finally happens that she gives him money to try to make him feel better. When I watched that with my mum, she said, “I hope one day you don’t decide that I was abusive and then make me give you money.” At the time I said, “No, no, I could never think that about you!” (I didn’t know what she did was wrong yet). When I remembered that I thought, “Maybe she’s known what she was doing the whole time.”
Whenever I would ask her to change ways that she related to me (like not telling me she hated to be around me), she would become so angry and then start crying about how I didn’t think she was a good enough mother and I didn’t accept her no matter how hard she tried. She’d work herself up so much that she would forget what I had asked her to change (or would later claim that I had upset her so much that she had to block it out).
I just think it is so incredibly selfish that she would take a situation where I worked up the courage to ask her to change something really hurtful and would twist it so that I ended up being the one apologizing and consoling her. She got herself out of everything for years by playing on my sympathy. She was so manipulative.
Now that I’m gone she still won’t take responsibility for anything even though I think she knows what she was doing all those years (she claims to have basically no memory of anything from “PTSD” that she’s never been diagnosed with). She wrote me this email in November that basically said, “I’m sorry I didn’t do things right all the time.” That may sound like a really good thing but she has made apologies like that to me before and then has not changed anything and has later denied having ever said sorry. There was one time she lay on my floor weeping about not being a worthy mother and begging me to tell her what I needed from her. All I said was that I wanted her to accept me just as I am, but she never changed anything and said that none of that ever happened when I brought it up later. So, she gave me another fake apology in November and then when she saw my dad she went on and on about how she “bent over backwards” to accommodate me but she was happy I hadn’t gotten back in touch with her because she didn’t miss me yelling at her everyday.
Anyway, all of that makes me feel like she was just manipulating me for years and getting out of absolutely everything but was fully aware that she was hurting me and chose not only to continue but to trick me into believing she was a good mother who I tortured.
Anyway, it’s very frustrating that I am still so angry with her but it’s important that I get it all out whenever it comes up or I’ll become depressed and never deal with any of the issues she’s caused. Suppressed anger is a major cause of depression, so it is really important for anyone who was in an abusive home or just had any sort of disappointment to get their feelings out for as long as it takes for them to feel entirely better. And, it’s also essential to deal with the things that have hurt you so that you don’t end up in future absuive relationships because that is what is normal to you. Many people go from an abusive home into an abusive marriage because they never processed what happened to them and recognized what is and isn’t okay in a relationship. So, basically it’s really important to feel your feelings even if it can be very uncomfortable and take way longer than you expected.

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